ANGELS

angels

I don’t know if I believe in “Angels” in the biblical sense (I can hear my childhood pastor screaming now), but I at least hope there is some type of positive energy left behind after one dies to affect the living.

The anniversary of my father’s death will be in a couple of days, and I’m dreading it. I keep thinking my feelings will be better in time, but the reality is they won’t. Losing a parent, those beings that we have known our entire life, is never easy. They are suppose to always be there to fix our problems, catch us when we fall, chastise us when we stray, and love us when no one will. Who was suppose to prepare me for this?

I wish I could say it was a death that was anticipated, but it wasn’t. My father committed suicide. He looked me in my face, told me  he was ‘glad’ I had come home for the weekend and thanked me for spending time with him. I left to go back to college, and shortly after he was gone. I didn’t realize that was the last conversation he had until later, and I still don’t understand what that means. Was that his goodbye? And how did he forget I loved him and needed him still?

However, he was an amazing man. He sacrificed the world for me and I will forever know how it felt to be loved by a parent. That one incident can’t erase the years of greatness he gave me. He will forever be:

The smartest man I have ever known, who was labeled a “scholar” in college, and spoke fluent German for no damn reason.

The best Trivia player in the UNIVERSE, partly because he memorized every single fact in our Encyclopedia set at home.

The most humbling man ever, who taught me and my brothers to never feel superior to anyone else, and to always give back to the less fortunate if we were able.

The bravest man ever, who served his Country with honor and love; 20 years as an Officer in the Marine Corp.

The funniest guy ever, who made up jokes that were so bad their awfulness kept you laughing for weeks.

The best father in the World, who loved me to the moon and back and gave me everything I have ever asked for (except the Goat-Kart, but I’ll get over it one day lol). He taught me respect, honor, and the ability to always  continue to succeed no matter what. I was never treated inferior because of my gender, and I was taught that I could be just as successful as anyone else.

And last, but never the least, he is my Angel.

I was the “love child” of two high-school kids, who sacrificed the world to make sure I was not a statistic. I have no memory of my parents struggling, but I know at 17 they did. I didn’t even realize it was different to watch your parents go to college, but both still did. My father made sure we made it as a family, and we did.

I thank my dad for everything, and I hope he’s finally at peace.

Jayden~

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Geni, May I Please Have More Than Three?

wishes

Through Insomnia comes more accurate thoughts, less restrained emotions, a sense of loose truths. I sat up in bed and thought of writing in my journal only to close it and never read it again. But, then I considered my blog. I chose the latter, here we go:

The worse thing that could ever happen, happened to me three years ago. A boy, who I adored as a teenager, fell madly in love with me. I don’t know how it happened exactly, but we found each other on Facebook and one message led to a million phone calls, to trips to visit each other. So, what was so bad about it? I didn’t love him. It was the worst feeling in the world, and it made me feel terrible. I, mistakenly, convinced myself I could eventually feel something other than complete friendship and let it go on. He looked at me and saw something no one else could see. I was beyond perfect to him and to feel that kind of love from someone is the best feeling in the world, unless you don’t love him. I let it go on too long and I broke his heart. Well, I shattered his heart into a million, zillion pieces.

OBJECTION! Relevance Your Honor? Well, the point is I never wanted to do that again. So instead of praying about my career and my health, I prayed for my heart. I asked God to please let me be able to fall deeply and madly in love. If you are quick, you probably see the error of this prayer. It’s pretty one way.

Since this prayer, I have fallen twice. Extremely hard! I mean, these guys are the ones you remember 60 years from now and only tell your grandkids about! One was absolutely the smoothest man you would ever know. We would meet up all the time, go dancing, listen to live bands, karaoke, drink, casinos, weekend sleepovers, and just pretend like nothing in the world existed but us. However, all good things come to an end. His long-term ex moved back into town, and he decided to “work on their relationship.” 6 months of absolute bliss…down the drain. My heart could have just stopped…literally!

The last time, was completely on accident. I was prepared this time, I had no intention of falling what-so-ever. But damn-it…he was adorable! Everything he said was golden. Looking at him was like staring at a visual projection of the most calming and rewarding feeling ever. I can’t explain it. If I could write the perfect gentleman on paper, my words would transform into a picture of his face. That’s all I’m going to say. But in the end he waved goodbye, I fell alone.

My conclusion, I take back my prayer or wish or whatever it may be interpreted as. No more one-side attractions. I think this was a lesson: Don’t wish for things that are set to happen, when they happen. I will stay focus and let my life take its course. Being free didn’t save my heart, and neither did being guarded.

Fate, you son of a *EXPLETIVE*!

I think that’s it for my after midnight rants. I dedicate this post to Insomnia.

Jayden~

“CRY ME A RIVER, I CRIED A RIVER OVER YOU”

cry baby

This is a bit random, or not, but I find myself so shocked and confused about my emotions these past 6 months. It started with my addiction with Netflix shows and movies. I found myself crying over: Vampire Diaries, The Originals, Henry Louis Gates, Jr. Documentaries, Gilmore Girls, Wentworth, and I think I even watered up watching Grease 2 (please don’t judge me, it has its moments). They haven’t been flat out cries -but that instant eye swelling, frog in throat, heart stopping, immediate two tear fall situation. So, what’s the big deal? I DON’T CRY!!!! Well, I didn’t.

I have been what I would consider a “tough cookie” my entire life. Every major incident that has ever impacted my life has left me stunned and slightly nauseated, but then complete NUMBNESS. Here’s a few examples:

  1. On April 11, 2003, I watched my state champion boyfriend go into the bleachers at our track meet and make-out with a girl from a competitive school. I then saw him stare at me, look down in guilt, then continue to kiss her. I heard all my friends screaming, “Girl, go woop his…” and I walked toward the track to run the 4×400 relay. I never mentioned it.
  2. Once, my long-term bf was taking me with him to find a new store. We disagreed about directions to the store, and it upset him tremendously that my route was correct. Once we got to the store and he saw my smile of satisfaction, he poured a large cup of fruit punch soda on me in front of a crowd of people. I got back into the car, waited to go home, took a shower, never mentioned it.
  3. I came home from college one weekend to visit my dad, who I was seriously close with. I left on a Saturday, and few hours later he committed suicide. I just went numb, I couldn’t really cry, and I never ever mention it.

So, even though I know some of these examples are juvenile the point remains: Why now? Is it that my tears just started working again? Am I crying for all the things I’ve never cried for? I hope I’m not menopausal in my 20’s (YIKES) and I don’t think PMS last 6 months. WHY NOW!?????

My only answer: Make-up tears. I’m crying so hard to make-up for my numb, not crying moments.

I said goodbye to the sweetest person I’ve met in a long time today, and the tears came out of NO WHERE. I mean, I’m still wiping tears from my eyes as I type. I can’t handle good-byes. I think it’s because they were so common in my life (5 elementary schools, 3 middle schools, 2 high schools) they’ve become a curse… Shot-out to military brats! But, I know my friend will be and do amazing things, and I’m a better person from their infectious positivity.

So, to all the “Hard Asses” out there, your time will come. The tears will come, and there is nothing you can do about it but cry.

Jayden~

Thou Art Not So Unkind Like Man’s Ingratitude!!!

So,

There is so much NEGATIVITY and HATE going on in the world right now, I cringe to turn on my television or read CNN. I don’t understand why some judge and form hurtful opinions based on characteristics as opposed to individual character. We are literally all in this thing called life together, let’s make it work! Hate will never end hate, selfishness will never end selfishness, but love has always brought about more love. That’s my “HIPPY” rant for today.

My favorite person is leaving me to move 12 hours away, and my heart aches. Why can’t I just have one person in my grasp to bring a little light in my life? Fate! I hate you right now, but will hopefully appreciate you later.

Do some good in the world. Find one negative thought you have without justification and fix it!

Jayden~

Here’s To Being One of Many!!!

So,

as I fight my way through eyelids half-open, I write! I’m excited about blogging again, and you want to know why? Because I use to love it! It’s this way of getting all the gunk of pierced lips and biting tongues out of our systems. At least for me it is. I’m not sure if anything expressive, important, or entertaining will be coming out of these fingers tonight so I’ll explain my page.

The name is a quote from Hamlet. My page is  a play on that quote, because there is nothing weak about a woman. Quite the contrary. I think given society and biological burdens, women should probably be feared lol. I do love men too, so I guess we’re equal 😉 .

My picture is a sanitary napkin. I wanted it to be something really beautiful and symbolic, and then I had this idea. What’s wrong with a pad? We have this sudden need to shutter and feel disgusted at the thought of a period and all the equipment that comes with it. And yea, shit sucks! But, let’s not punish the soft cotton angels that keep our panties clean during that time of the month. I salute you pad! lol

Last but not least, I hope to read other blogs, get inspired, make new finger friends.

Hello, Bonjour, Bonjou, Hola, Ciao, Salut!!!

Jayden~